But it turns out I am SCP-682 and I Just adapt to the situation and make a new portal

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The next user is stuck in a containment cell with SCP-682 (You're screwed now mate!)

@coenmcj (View Post)

 I bring painis cupcake in and he eats it.

The next person will be hunted down by PAAAAAAAAAAAAINIS CUPCAKE.

I just destroyed your cupcake via neutron bombardment.

The next user is now target practice for my orbital neutron cannon.

@Spock (View Post)

 I murder them. O_O

The next person is going to be murdered...by me. O_O DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

I was in a different city at the time, so your plot failed.

The next user was abducted by aliens and is now trapped on a planet in another solar system.

The aliens abducted me a a replacement ruler and I am now in charge of all of the aliens.

I set the aliens (they are dalek's) on the below user. Exterminate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I eliminate the aliens first by detonating an EMP device frying their electronics, then shooting them with strange matter, which turns them into a hot blob of strange matter goo.

The next user was on one of the ships when the strange matter hit.

But it turns out it was a completly different ship. I then leap abord the damaged ship and save all the crew only to find they are now zombies. I cage them up and take them to the house of the next user. Then I open the cage, the rest writes itself.